How to be Happy

What I’ve really had problems with in my sixty years culminating in this post is being consistently happy. The search for happiness is something people have thrown themselves at before, and I thought that before sharing my 5X12 with it I‘d check out to see what others have to say.

Here’s an example of it with a somewhat religious feel by a gentleman going by the name of Richard Innes. In case the subtlety of the man’s name escapes you, he has provided a more direct approach by actually inserting the nickname for Richard before his family name, inviting people to call him “Dick” Innes, in an essay entitled. The Search for Happiness”

I was very excited about the prospect of writing an essay on how to be happy . . until I read the one above by Mr. Innes. After I got over the ironic shock of the man’s name on such a topic, I had to confess his essay was much better than anything I could even hope to write . . and this left me in a deep depression.

Whereas mine would be full of cheap tricks, like

“knock off the Chinese herbs, eat a steak, drink a couple of glasses of wine, have a couple cups of coffee, smoke a couple of cigarettes and go for a walk”

Dick Innes’ is full of sage advice and the wisdom of the ages, saying stuff like

“Wealth, fame, power, beauty … neither make one happy or unhappy. They are externals. Happiness comes from within. It is a by-product of an inner condition. If one lives only for personal happiness, he will probably never find it. As one person said, ‘The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.’”

Glug, what? With superior advice like that, what could I reasonably do but put a revolver to my head, pull back the hammer, refer my readers to what “Dick Innes” wrote . . and then pull the trigger?

The Dick Innes webpage header shows a man much younger and better looking than me, reclining with his beautiful wife and angelic looking children, set on a flowered idyllic green background, all smiling.

The only consolation here is that this is not Dick Innes, his wife and kids. I’ve seen his picture. He is a much older man than the one shown in the header, thank God. I don’t think I could stand it if Dick Innes was young and handsome. It’s one thing to be young, beautiful and smiling like they just won the lottery, but also being the author of such epic, sagacious advice with such a clever name  would be devastating to my now flattened self-esteem.

The secret implication is that whereas it would seem that while all the rest of us are searching for it, Dick Innes has found it.

So, as you can see, the fact the young man in the header here is not Dick Innes islittle consolation. The i suggestion here is that these people took Dick Innes’ advice, and now they’re happy . .

Not only do I have no living examples like this, of my wisdom incarnate, but by what Dick Innes says, if I tried showing what happens to people who took my advice, I’d have to show some family on the gallows, set on a background of a cemetery.

Well, this alone would be enough to make me want to kill myself. But no, wait, as the TV pitchman says, there’s more. Dick Innes has to go on and remove all doubt from my mind that I should take my life with my own hand. He does this with his continual showing, word by word, sentence after sentence, in one crushing paragraph after another, that there is really nothing I can do to top what he wrote, except to plagiarise it:

He writes such golden words like:

“To be in touch with all of one’s feelings is more important than being happy all of the time.”

Yeowch!

And . .

“It is a wise man who helps his wife find, develop, and use her special gifts. He will reap just rewards through his wife’s increased fulfillment and happiness.”

Oh God. If I did that I’d have to help my wife disguise a human catapult to look like a comfy chair, so with a remote control, throwing me out of the house wouldn’t be dependent on any of my own volition. It wouldn’t matter if I knew of its ejection powers, the same lack of willpower that saves me from obeying the order to vacate the premises would be what would fail to stop me from sitting down in this comfortable looking recliner . .

In fact, there have been times in my life when the situation got to be so difficult, that like now, I thought about ending it all. Before I married my current wife, I spent a lot of time trying to devise a way of doing it nicely, until I met a man who had invented an automatic self-burial machine.

NEXT: FAVORITE METHODS OF SELF-DEMISE

PS: Among other misleading words, the meta tags include a phrase meant to entice people to read my blog who (1) otherwise would not do so. Everyone should know that the best way to beat a draw of lots is to not play. I knew a man who won 10 million dollars in the lottery and subsequently tried to drink himself to death, but died before he could accomplish it. Now, (2) if you still feel you were cheated, I suggest you encourage others to read this blog by the usual means of referral, such as Twitter or Facebook, kindly suggesting that it will make them feel better, and then (3) return to enjoy their angry  comments below . .

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